Redemption
(August 2011: Full Sail University, revised July 2018 and again on April 2022)
“Haunted” Ten Thousand Fists, Disturbed
“Bury Me Alive” Tear the Word Down, We Are the Fallen
“Never Enough” The Divine Conspiracy, Epica
“Broken Pieces” 7th Symphony, Apoclyptica, featuring Lacey Sturm
“Chasing the Dragon” The Divine Conspiracy, Epica
“Enemy” Memento Mori, Flyleaf
Mixed Tape: Redemption
“Haunted” Ten Thousand Fists, Disturbed
“Bury Me Alive” Tear the Word Down, We Are the Fallen
“Never Enough” The Divine Conspiracy, Epica
“Broken Pieces” 7th Symphony, Apoclyptica, featuring Lacey Sturm
“Chasing the Dragon” The Divine Conspiracy, Epica
“Enemy” Memento Mori, Flyleaf
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL68cpBCHbZGwzkEwrpAWZSR6hRQLjDXnp
“The Game”
I was living with my then fiancé at the time. I had run away from home to be with him under peer pressure. I blame myself to hurting my loved ones by running off, but it’s something I must live with still.
Deep down, I knew I wasn’t supposed to be in that house. In order to possess the horrible situation I put myself in, my brain created a couple of male “alter” personalities similar to DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.)* I gave the voices life by music and I used songs as the main alter’s voice to tell me what I needed to hear. “Is she insane? Doesn’t she realize she’s in danger?” He didn’t understand why I was choosing to stay, and I was fighting with myself.
“Haunted”
Not only did my male inner voice give me some tough love, he also comforted me. I was trying to self soothe. The more aggressive alter was also helping me in other ways. He made me black out and forced me to live in my surroundings. I was dissociating and become violent as I fought back. I don’t remember a lot of what my aggressive alter was doing, however, my main alter still used songs to talk to me. “You’re Broken, so am I,” He understood my anguish and was telling me we are one in the same.
“Bury Me Alive”
I was finally starting to want out and admitting to myself that I needed to get out. I felt trapped though and was scared. I wasn’t allowed to leave and was being isolated. My didn’t have a car nor did I know how to drive. My phone was taken away from me also. I only had my two voices and music. “All I did was love you, but I hate the nightmare you become. I watched you let yourself die. You bury me alive, and everyone got to breath.” My main alter tried to act for me and steal the keys to my fiancé’s car. But I talked him down. I knew that was dangerous if they reported it stolen. But that night helped me build up the willpower I needed. Sometime after this, I eventually escaped with help of my family.
“Never Enough”
I was starting to get angry now. I hated what my ex-fiancé did to me, and I hated me. I never pressed charges. There wasn’t proof and most abuse was sexual and mental. I didn’t want to deal with the situation anymore. I was done. I wasn’t done with the pure malice I felt for him, however. “All of the horror that you put me though. This is where I draw the line. Never again will I be with you.”
“Broken Pieces”
“Oh, I've gotta turn and run, Form the faces that you never see.” Those faces were all the demons that took over my fiancé. I was still angry, but I was also grieving the man I once knew.
Coming out of an abusive relationship, music aided me to recognize emotions that were foreign to me. Understanding these emotions is what allowed me to work through the trauma I endured.
“The Game”
I was living with my then fiancé at the time. I had run away from home to be with him under peer pressure. I blame myself to hurting my loved ones by running off, but it’s something I must live with still.
Deep down, I knew I wasn’t supposed to be in that house. In order to possess the horrible situation I put myself in, my brain created a couple of male “alter” personalities similar to DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.)* I gave the voices life by music and I used songs as the main alter’s voice to tell me what I needed to hear. “Is she insane? Doesn’t she realize she’s in danger?” He didn’t understand why I was choosing to stay, and I was fighting with myself.
“Haunted”
Not only did my male inner voice give me some tough love, he also comforted me. I was trying to self soothe. The more aggressive alter was also helping me in other ways. He made me black out and forced me to live in my surroundings. I was dissociating and become violent as I fought back. I don’t remember a lot of what my aggressive alter was doing, however, my main alter still used songs to talk to me. “You’re Broken, so am I,” He understood my anguish and was telling me we are one in the same.
“Bury Me Alive”
I was finally starting to want out and admitting to myself that I needed to get out. I felt trapped though and was scared. I wasn’t allowed to leave and was being isolated. My didn’t have a car nor did I know how to drive. My phone was taken away from me also. I only had my two voices and music. “All I did was love you, but I hate the nightmare you become. I watched you let yourself die. You bury me alive, and everyone got to breath.” My main alter tried to act for me and steal the keys to my fiancé’s car. But I talked him down. I knew that was dangerous if they reported it stolen. But that night helped me build up the willpower I needed. Sometime after this, I eventually escaped with help of my family.
“Never Enough”
I was starting to get angry now. I hated what my ex-fiancé did to me, and I hated me. I never pressed charges. There wasn’t proof and most abuse was sexual and mental. I didn’t want to deal with the situation anymore. I was done. I wasn’t done with the pure malice I felt for him, however. “All of the horror that you put me though. This is where I draw the line. Never again will I be with you.”
“Broken Pieces”
“Oh, I've gotta turn and run, Form the faces that you never see.” Those faces were all the demons that took over my fiancé. I was still angry, but I was also grieving the man I once knew.
It seemed like it happened overnight, my fiancé betraying me... but looking back, I think he was always the same.
“Chasing the Dragon”
Surviving a spiritual and mental war is never an easy thing to do. I had to learn to accept my guilt, let go of my anger and start to heal. “Free my mind, heal my scars, erase the past.”
“Enemy”
I received word that my ex-fiancé died, on Sunday, the fourteenth of August. My decision to forgive him did not come easy. He was a monumental part of my life and I loved him once. It seemed the right thing to do.
Through his death, I know what loving your enemies really is. I never wanted to ask myself the question did someone go Heaven or Hell again.
Yes, there are times I still get angry and want to scream “Fuck you!” at his grave, but in the end, I hope we both found peace.
Surviving a spiritual and mental war is never an easy thing to do. I had to learn to accept my guilt, let go of my anger and start to heal. “Free my mind, heal my scars, erase the past.”
“Enemy”
I received word that my ex-fiancé died, on Sunday, the fourteenth of August. My decision to forgive him did not come easy. He was a monumental part of my life and I loved him once. It seemed the right thing to do.
Through his death, I know what loving your enemies really is. I never wanted to ask myself the question did someone go Heaven or Hell again.
Yes, there are times I still get angry and want to scream “Fuck you!” at his grave, but in the end, I hope we both found peace.
*My official diagnoses is PTSD. My trauma manifested similar to DID for coping. I do not clam to have DID.
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