The Fantasy Fighter

Behind the Mask I hide myself from the world I hide myself from pain I hide myself from sorrow I hide I hide behind a mask A mask to fool A mask for a fake me A happy me People can’t see my pain Nor my suffering I hid behind a mask Can I break free? When will it crack? I can’t wear this forever This mask is so heavy When can I say, I’m not ok? When is it my time? I hide behind a mask To fool To pretend That I’m happy When I’m not… I wear the mask because I am in mourning I weep Behind the mask I long for freedom I pray for peace For understanding So I can too Be free From the mask of life I was to write a happy song But a crash changed everything It formed the mask I cannot break Instead, I dance a sad dance Within my mask The mask for torment And despair Break my mask Crack my mask I cry For happiness But only find sorrow I try to help I try to protect But I fail As long as I have this mask...

(Based on true events. Written August 2017: Bevill State, revised July 2018) It was August 3rd 2012 at 11:06pm. The clock creeped towards the deadline of my online class, while I sat in the Flowers Hospital’s waiting area on the 3rd floor. My family and I waited on my mother to finally meet Jesus. My mom was lost in her coma due to a car crash months prior while I attended college. My instructor, sympathetic to my situation, promised me an extension anytime I needed it. Amidst group projects, papers and reports, my mother, my best supporter and friend, was slipping away for me. The only warmth in the tiny room was from my school laptop resting on my lap. My Aunt and older sister sat on either side of me in the device’s heat until they received the unwanted news. I, too, waited with them and on my instructor to message me back. My screen displayed my classroom chat messages; the message I sent last week asking for my guaranteed extension was the last thing I’d written. My eye...

(August 2011: Full Sail University, revised July 2018 and again on April 2022)   Mixed Tape: Redemption “The Game” The Sickness, Disturbed “Haunted” Ten Thousand Fists, Disturbed “Bury Me Alive” Tear the Word Down, We Are the Fallen “Never Enough” The Divine Conspiracy, Epica “Broken Pieces” 7th Symphony, Apoclyptica, featuring Lacey Sturm “Chasing the Dragon” The Divine Conspiracy, Epica “Enemy” Memento Mori, Flyleaf https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL68cpBCHbZGwzkEwrpAWZSR6hRQLjDXnp Coming out of an abusive relationship, music aided me to recognize emotions that were foreign to me. Understanding these emotions is what allowed me to work through the trauma I endured. “The Game” I was living with my then fiancé at the time. I had run away from home to be with him under peer pressure. I blame myself to hurting my loved ones by running off, but it’s something I must live with still. Deep down, I knew I wasn’t supposed to be in that house. In order to possess ...

You have plans for today: to get that paperwork filled out, mail that package, answer those messages, buy your lunch and etc. But then it happens... dysania. Some may call it laziness, but for others it's real. Scraping up enough willpower to get out of bed is exhausting. After the worse-than-normal attack yesterday, this was my morning. It was 2:20pm when I feet touched the floor. On the days I am too depressed, my bed becomes my sanctuary. But as I lay in my self-made sanctuary, the restlessness soon creeps up under the covers. "That's the point of getting up?" "I have so much to do today," "I haven't done anything!" "I'll never reach my goals," "I'm so useless," "I'm a failure," and etc. I panic for another wasted day and another wasted to-do list. However, I'm finally learning... it's ok. I learn to push aside those evil thoughts of self destruction. It's ok to take days off. It's ok...